Project Flaw: The Fatal Flaw

I've been reading a lot of articles on Lifehack.org lately. Probably because I subscribed to it and now I get an email every now and again to link me to articles of interest and well...I'm interested.

Everything from 10 quality traits all introverts have, 50 incredible travel experiences to have once in your life and even Learning a new language can slow aging has popped up and I've spent countless hours reading every other article that interests me at the bottom the one I decided to read first.

Funny thing is, the only reason I subscribed to lifehack is because of it's one article about avoiding procrastination techniques and well...clearly, it hasn't worked all too well.

You see, I've started college again. I either try to study or write during the evenings. I have work on Saturday. On Saturday nights I try to see my friends for a few hours. On Sunday I try to reboot, watch some mind numbing tv and catch up on sleep. But I still find myself lacking the hours, not getting work done and doing just about anything to put everything else off.

It's probably because instead of studying, I lie in bed either trying to sleep or surf the web/facebook. Instead of doing my morning exercise t get me through the day, I sit on my phone reading fanfiction. Instead of getting chores done before I start homework or prepping for the next day of college, I end up on the couch watching tv until I'm too tired or it's too late to get anything done.

Unlike some issues in life, I know the root of the problem.
It's common enough, but it's also extremely unhealthy and a horrible waste of time.

This issue, problem, whatever you may decide to call it is called procrastination.

It's haunted me most of my high school career and now here I am, second year college student and still falling into the lull of "there's time later/tomorrow/next week/next month/next year."

The sad thing is that this preoccupation of unnecessary things is something a lot of people go through every single day.

Unfortunately not everyone has that undeniable urge, drive or ambition to push through the trudge of work to get to their goals. And it's pretty sad.

It isn't a great flaw, not something like selfishness or arrogance. But it's all consuming, completely wrong -

Selfishness can be taken as ambition to the extreme, a need to claim something as yours even when it's lost and then do everything to get it back, damn the consequences-people-what have you.

Arrogance can be taken from the "fake it 'til you make it" mindset. When you push too hard and delude yourself into thinking that you're better, so much better, than everyone else without really having the skill or desire to actually be better.

Both of these start off with good intentions. Procrastination does not.

We may think we're doing something useful, but in the back of our minds we know that we're just distracting ourselves, putting off whatever task we have ahead of us because we're not feeling up to it.

Procrastination is borne from laziness, a lack of urgency and the strange thought that something will just happen and all the time they have wasted would be worth it.

I've realized (not often enough) that all we really have in the world is time. It may be a man-made concept, but it's the truth.

We aren't entitled to the next day or the one after that, we're damn lucky to even get the hour or two that has passed. But procrastinating makes us think that we've got all the time in the world to put something off.

Speaking for myself, I've put off writing - a novel I've wanted to published, a story I've wanted to tell, all because I think I have so much time to do it. I'm young, pretty young anyway. If I want to be a bestselling author, the next Jane Austen or Oscar Wilde, I have decades to write that novel...

But what if I never do?

What if I wake up, dying, unable to even breath without assistance, barely able to remember my own name...what then?

I could be optimistic and say that I'd still push through, to my dying breath, I'd write. But that would be a lie.

As cliche as it is, I don't want to lie on my death bed with regrets.

I want to try - crashing and burning if I have to, just to say that I did.

Project Flaw: Why perfection isn't healthy

Everyone has flaws. Real people and fictional characters alike. Flaws are present in every aspect of our lives if we pay close enough attention.

Flaws have that effect of building character in something. If something were perfect, it wouldn't be particularly interesting, would it?

In stories, character flaws are important.

They make readers able to relate, understand and see things through the eyes of the character in charge of the tale.

But can the same be said for normal, every day, real life people?

I like to think I'm honest with myself. I mean, if I can't be honest with me, who can I be honest with?

Following the vein of the pilot episode of Mind Games (even though the show was cancelled, but that has nothing to do with this mm'kay?) I am going to be admitting just a few of my flaws as a person and more importantly as a writer:

I'm a weenie.
I hate making characters suffer.
I'm an idealist.
I'll only take a happily-ever-after.
I'm a romantic.
I'm afraid of 'breaking' characters, and not liking them if they have certain flaws or realizations I don't agree with even though I came up with it.
There's a part of my brain that comes up with stuff even I'm afraid to acknowledge and that I can't seem to accept as my own.
I'm selfish.
I'm arrogant.
I like to think I know best.
I'm easily offended.
I'm sensitive.
I can't compartmentalize.
I'm inconsistent.
I'm easily overwhelmed.
I'm easy to diagnose myself with depression.
I'm easily influenced when its the right person or the right words said.
I'm stubborn.
I lack confidence.
I feel overwhelmingly insecure.
Seeks validation.
I procrastinate.
I'm indecisive about practically everything.
I like to dream about a life rather than actually having one.
I'm afraid, terrified of moving out of my comfort zone.
I hate feeling lonely.
I don't like the ugly truth.

The point of all this, as it was mentioned in the Mind Games pilot, is to be able to open myself up and show that I have nothing to hide. The dangerous side of this is that I am also open to either ridicule or acceptance by others, and the question of me being "perfect" has been shattered long before anyone has even gotten to know me.

Not only from a writing perspective, but from real life situations I've always been told to "fake it until you make it". Confidence goes a long way especially when a tough skin is required to brave the trolls, negative responses and the like. Pretending that you've got it handled (via Olivia Pope) is a way of getting people to trust in you and your abilities and becomes a point from where you try to prove that you deserve this trust, or rather, expectation you have inadvertently put on yourself.

"Faking it", however, is problematic.

We get arrogant. We get closed minded. We get negative about other people. We only do things that make us feel good. All in an attempt to be our version of perfect.

And perfect is all a load a bull.

The more someone pretends to be perfect, the more they forget who they actually are.
The more someone closes themselves off to feeling things that make them uncomfortable in order to maintain that perfection, the more they limit themselves from experiences they can actually grow from.
The more someone craves perfection the more unhappy they are with everything they do and everything around them.

Until one day when that person decides they can't retain it, can't achieve it, can't emulate it, can't do it.
And then their whole world falls down.

This is different from wanting to do your best. This is about growth, and what it takes to get there.

once upon a dream ~

I've got a lot of dreams, as all people do.

At 19, I've given up on most of them: being the cum laude of my high school (oh primary school me, you were adorable), going to university (wasn't made for it unfortunately), becoming a nationally ranked swimmer and tennis player (oh little me, so ambitious!) and all other sorts of impressive feats most people younger than 16 would admit to dreaming of.

Hint. Hint. Do you know why some people consider me a falling star now?

Nonetheless, the reality stick hit me hard, and so did the terrible habits of growing up.

For all the parents or adults out there who don't remember their formative years, a friendly reminder: Hormones are a bitch and mood swings suck for everyone.

Anyway.

The wonderful thing about growing up, and life in general is that there will always be new dreams, and thankfully despite my dinosaur era-ending-crash landing I still have hope for these dreams.

One of them being my dream of becoming a writer. It was always a hobby and the amount of time and experience I gained through writing fanfiction for so many years can never be undone, and for the life of me, I can't stop writing even for even my own good (cum laude, nationally ranked sportswoman, university, all that jazz). It's a madness that I wish were not mine and yet at the same time if there were a cure, I would rather scorn it than take it.

But that's what it's about though, isn't it?

A writer writes because they have to. It isn't so much as a desire as it is a need. However, I know very well that things can change, that maybe someday I won't need it as much anymore and to claim the loaded title of "writer" still makes me hesitate..

But in my own world, in my muse palace, I'll loudly and proudly say it: My name is Angela, and I'm a writer.

Perhaps one day I won't be afraid of the title, or even better, I'll deserve it.

Careful - this one's another dreamer ~

there isn't much to say about me besides that.

I write a lot, I talk a lot, and I get bored a lot and because it seems that I can't get any attention in real life or keep at something consistently I've decided to throw my thoughts at the internet hoping something will stick.

That's right, I'm yet another aspiring writer on the interwebs.

This blog is run by plotbunnies, random thoughts on writing and anything that might just inspire me that day. I might also fangirl about my favorite series, movies and books because I can't seem to keep friends. Go figure.